Topics, Themes, & Mannerisms We Could Do Without

Bukowski, Stories Written in the Style of

If we feel like reading Bukowski, we will read Bukowski.

College Stories, Drug-Related

Like strange dreams or constipation, we find these sort of experiences rarely make for good reading.

College Stories, General

See above.

College Stories, MFA-related

While likely untrue, we like to maintain the delusion that most of our readers are not writers, would-be-writers, or persons with advanced or knowledge or interest in the minutia of graduate creative writing programs.

Cowboy Poetry

Is a surprisingly common genre which we never want to read again.

Dialect, Excessive Amounts of

We almost never find the exclamation, “Hooo-weee,” appropriately comic or convincing as realistic dialogue, especially when followed by a barrage of “choughins’” or “layins’” or “slidins’” or “textins’.”

Domestic Animals, Stories Written from the Perspective of

We get a lot of submissions like these, and they just don’t work for us.

Domestic Violence, Stories Depicting

We specialize in very short stories, and we’ve yet to read a submission that meets our length guidelines but doesn’t exceed our patience for melodrama.

iPhones, iPods, iDoohickey

Stories that make extensive mention of such technology — especially pieces that repeat the word “iDoohickey” or other plays on Apple’s product-naming conventions — are almost never amusing or fresh. If a character is making a call on a Blackberry or iPhone we find it is usually better just to use the word “phone” in lieu a specific device name or even the more-generic “smart phone” unless it is truly important to the story.

Lists, Previously Rejected by McSweeney’s

We welcome the chance to read stories written as lists, and lists of the humorous sort if clearly crafted for Johnny America’s editorial idiosyncrasies, but we try to avoid infringing on this well-guarded turf of Timothy McSweeney & Company. They’ve done humorous lists since forever, and they do them well, and they carry spears; we find it wise not to ape their regular features.

Military Stories

Are something we like to read, but rarely a good fit for the particular tone we’re trying to cultivate. We’re always open to reading them, but be forewarned that it’s very likely we’ll pass.

Stories Written in the Style of News Reportage

While this style of writing can achieve staggering hilarity for The Onion, we feel it rarely works for non-humor pieces — and because news-style submissions of the humorous sort almost always feel like Onion rejects, we tend to shy away from them.

Violence Directed Against Non-Human Primates

Is abhorrent when written for comic effect.