Dear Subway People,

I am so fed up with your shit. I don’t think I’ve ever been to your 23rd street location when the people working there didn’t act like they were doing me some kind of fucking favor to make my fucking sandwich. I’m the one paying for it, for christ’s sake, and this rude behavior is the thanks I get? Why, I was just there today, and the drive thru person asked me to wait before she took my order. I waited forever, and then she had the gumption to get all snotty with me when she had to wait for me to remember the name of the fucking bread that I wanted. What’s worse, I could hear her giggling and carrying on with someone while I was waiting for her. Rude!

Well from now on, you can stick it up your ass, because I’m getting my lunch somewhere where the drive thru girls aren’t so dumb and ugly. Fuck you forever!

Seth Coulter

p.s. I have to admit the sandwich was pretty good, though.

Dear Dairy Queen,

I’ve just got to let you know what a great place you’re running there. I would eat my lunch there as often as I used to eat at Subway before I got fed up with them, but all you serve is burgers and I don’t like burgers anymore. Any ways, I was just there to get one of your cookie dough Blizzards. It’s really quite a product. Not only that, but the service was very quick and the drive thru girl was very cute and friendly. You guys are way better than Subway. Overall, I had a very good experience, but my only complaint is that there wasn’t as much cookie dough at the bottom of my blizzard as there was at the top. Please work on this. Otherwise, keep up the good work!

Your friend,

Seth Coulter

Dear Sun,

You really are starting to become quite a pain in the ass. Every day you shine through my window when I’m trying to sleep. You’re never around on my day off, but then you always make everything all bright and shiny and nice and shit when I’m stuck inside flipping burgers. You’ve got some nerve. Fuck you, Sun.

Die, you bastard! Fall from the sky!

Seth Coulter

Dear Sun,

Hey, man, I’m sorry, I really was out of line just then. It’s just that I get frustrated working third shift full time and then working at this fast food joint 3 days a week and at the end of the day, I can’t even afford a decent fucking set of curtains. I guess what I’m trying to say is I love you, but I just don’t know how. Sometimes I just can’t find the words to express how I feel. So don’t take it personal when I get sore at you for waking me up. Just try to come around on my days off more often, ok? I’m glad we had this little talk.

Your good buddy,

Seth.

Dear University of Kansas Jayhawks,

Your basketball team is really causing quite a few problems for me. For example, the traffic around here on game days is enough to make a guy go totally bonkers. Why, just the other day I got a hankering for something sweet, so I went to Dairy Queen (the food and the service is really quite excellent) for a cookie dough blizzard, and I had no more than gone through the drive thru and was driving home with my cool treat than I found that the intersection at 19th and Iowa was blocked off so that I couldn’t get home. So I went down to 15th street and it was the same story. Then I decided to cut through that residential neighborhood just east of Iowa street and managed to make it over to where you turn off of 15th street to get to the dorms. But some cop wouldn’t let me turn east, and when I asked him to tell me how I could get home, he just yelled at me and made me follow the rest of the traffic, which I had to follow all the way around West Campus and back to Iowa. In general, the cops were very unpleasant. So eventually, I had to go all the way down to 9th street, turn east, go to Tennessee street, turn south, go back to 19th street and turn west, and then when I got to 19th and Naismith, I had to take yet another detour. Eventually, I made it to Ousdahl street and was able to make my way west towards my apartment again. This took me an hour, which cut into my study time considerably, especially when you take into account the fact that by the time I finally got home I was in such an uncontrollable rage that I could hardly concentrate on what I was doing before I left. Just goes to show how a bunch of dummies can come into town for one of your games and totally get in the way of us folks who are trying to do something worthwhile. I mean, god forbid anyone should try to do anything academic around here! Anyways, I guess my point is fuck you you dumb pricks.

Your sworn enemy,

Seth Coulter

P.S. Why March Madness? If you were really hard core, you’d be mad all the time!

Dear Girl From Class,

Will you please just shut the fuck up? I want to bang my head on the wall every time you start to speak! You know who you are! Whore!

Seth!