Dear Man Eating Pizza near the fountain in the “Europa” area of the theme park,

I know you’re tired. I’m tired too. This place wears out even the fittest among us and you must be twenty-five years older than me. That’s nearly twice my age! However, being tired is no excuse for forgetting your manners. Please remove the glob of greasy mozzarella that’s hanging out of your mouth and resting on your wrinkled chin. It’s disgusting.

Thank you,

A Concerned Passerby

Dear Elbows,

I’m sorry that multiple rides on the Mamba left you bruised and tender; not to mention rather unattractive. Despite evidence to the contrary, I knew you were being assaulted each time we crested a hill, raising out of our seat and crashing back down. You must believe that I was powerless to prevent your injuries; I will grant that I could have curtailed our rides once I realized you were being affected, but it was just too much fun to stop! I offer you a three-day intensive treatment with Victoria’s Secret’s “Love Spell” lotion; it won’t help you heal but you will smell good.

With apologies,

Adrenaline Center of the Brain

Dear Man With the Googley Eye Who Thought Keith was Tiger Woods,

He’s not.

Stop talking, you’re making a fool of yourself.

Thank you,

Not Tiger’s Girlfriend