Have questions about life, liquor, or love? Johnny America is proud to bring you “Just Ask James,” an advice column by James Spillane. Send your puzzles to justaskjames@johnnyamerica.net and let a slightly perverse skiing instructor solve your problems.

Dear James,

My boyfriend is overweight and has a small penis. Should I stay with him?

Amber Kiker

Dear Amber Kiker,

I am very glad that you asked this question because I am quite positive a large percentage of Johnny America readers are both overweight and lacking in penis size. First, let's start by pointing out some very important facts that I think you should know.

* Chlamydia (pronounced: kluh-mid-ee-uh) is a sexually transmitted disease (STD) that is caused by bacteria called Chlamydia trachomatis, so seek medical assistance immediately and have a qualified Johnny America reader swab your vagina.

* The longest river in the world is the Nile. The second longest river in the world is Amazon.com.

* Lions have the largest Irises of any mammal, therefore, they can see better in the dark.

Taking these very important facts into consideration, I believe you should stay with your fat in the belly, small in the smelly boyfriend of yours. Also, I would like to add that, being your boyfriend, my advice is in bias and not always rational. Enjoy reading Johnny America. I hate your hair and I hope you die.

James Spillane

Send questions of life and love to .