Using a deadly combination of custom spyware and server “cookies,” every month the Johnny America Internet Team tracks which search engine queries lead visitors to this web site. Why the search engines send us these world wide web travelers, we do not know.

• What’s fascinating about the search for “impregnate every woman” is the limitless ambition it suggests the searcher must possess.
• “Where can i find out how to print questions on unicorns” is a puzzler. Maybe HP DeskJets get all uppity and refuse to print unicorn-related material. Perhaps she’s looking for a list like:
  • How long is your horn?
  • Do you dream about shy girls with auburn hair, because I dream about you?!

  Either way, it’s an extraordinary question.

• Search engines are smart these days, so you can filter out pages containing subjects you’d rather ignore or demand inclusion of a essential secondary element, e.g “hot sex -husband +handsome black man.” Someone thinks about ex-SNL comedian Jimmy Fallon far too much: “jimmy fallon -idiot -boyfriend -pessimist s -guide -tina -fey -saturday -night -live -snl -drew -barrymore -scheme -taxi -fever -pitch -perfect -catch -bathroom -wall -mtv -awards -queen -latifa -lyrics -tabs -tab -quotes.” We swear, that’s exactly the query that let them to us.
• “Take your street department to the next level” is intriguing because, while seemingly not gibberish, we have no idea what it means.
• Q (asked to Google): “How far does a basketball go?” A: If it’s in Stephanie Wakefield’s hands, pretty far—miles, even—but no where near the hoop. Never. The girl’s got heart, sure, but she’s only 5’2” (an a half, she says). Her defense might be strong and all, and yeah she’s got that crazy outfit she wears on the court that’s kind of distracting, but come on, she’s 5’2” (an a half), and there’s just no way she’s gonna make that free-throw ‘cause the pressure’s on and look again how short she is and just acknowledge she’ll never ever be able to dunk.