Using a deadly combination of custom spyware and server “cookies,” every month the Johnny America Internet Team tracks which search engine queries lead visitors to this web site. Why the search engines send us these world wide web travelers, we do not know.

• This month brought a pair of interesting instruction-seekers to J.A. dot net. One wondered, “how to make a sarcophagus?” which strikes us as odd since practically everyone learns how to do that in elementary school, after shoelace tying but before gateway drug use. Another seemingly ignorant searcher wanted instructions on, “how to make your girlfriend make out.” A sly look should suffice, and if she’s not receptive see if flowers or chile con queso won’t change her mind.
• We want to know more about, “the giraffe who thought he could dance,” especially if he’s the same beast who inspired the “giraffe toilet seat.” Few even-toed ungulate mammals dare to dance, fewer still use toilet paper.
• The phrasing is “deez nuts,” not “these nuts.” Nine people did not know better.