Using a deadly combination of custom spyware and server “cookies,” every month the Johnny America Internet Team tracks which search engine queries lead visitors to this web site. Why the search engines send us these world wide web travelers, we do not know.

• We’re curious whether the person searching for an “up the ass pencil sharpener” envisioned a sleek little electric model fitting the Sharper Image aesthetic, or had in mind something closer to the large, hand-cranked tanks so often found bolted to the walls of elementary schools. Where would you put the cord, we wondered in the case of the former, or how might you turn the crank, in the case of the latter.
• The answer to the query “who makes burger king’s chicken fries?” seems so obvious that we’re mildly surprised that Google’s algorithms weren’t clever enough to answer.
• “Do giraffes spit on you if you bother them?” asked one search query. Yes, they do—but giraffes are not easily bothered. They are very tall, and like all very tall animals—and tall human beings—they feel morally superior to smaller, lesser beasts.