Have questions about life, liquor, or love? JohnnyAmerica.net is proud to bring you Just Ask James, an advice column by James Spillane. Send your puzzles to and let a slightly perverse skiing instructor solve your problems.

Dear James,

Am I abnormal if I like to search for same gender pictures?

Addison

Dear Addison,

According to Kinsey’s: Sexual Behavior in the Human (1948):

Principal findings of the Male volume included: that 85% of the American males sampled had experienced pre-marital intercourse; that 59% had some experience in oral-genital contacts; that from 30 to 45% participated in extra-marital intercourse; that 37% had some homosexual experience to orgasm between adolescence and old age; 10% of the men studied had lived at least 3 years of their lives between the ages of 16 and 55 being exclusively sexual with the same sex; and that 17% of farm boys interviewed had experienced intercourse with animals.

Do you live on a farm?

James

Dear Sir,

I write to you with an inquiry of a very personal and grave nature; I’ve heard of your delicate and unbiased treatment of such matters. Frankly, I have some trepidation of asking one who may not empathize and demonstrate the proper sensitivity… Nevertheless, my question is as follows: If one desires to fuck corpses, rigorously, but not to date, is he a necrophiliac? If one were to loll the idea about one’s head often in his spare time, but never actually partake—does the “necrophilia,” per say, ensue or precede the act? (I have discretely wondered about a wake or two, hand in pocket, but I doubt this is relevant). I’m sure the corollary to the question is obvious, but to make no mistake: if one is already a necrophiliac, should he not be a necrophiliac to the fullest? If one already wears the label and owns the neurosis, for what reason should he hesitate?

I await your verdict with sober (figuratively!) anticipation.

Utterly yours,
Mr. Jared Ruland

Dear Jared,
First of all, I think you are full of shit, but in the rare case that you happen to be asking an honest question on an illegal act, I will try and answer your inquiry. For starters, if you want to have sex with dead people, all you have to do is get married.

Secondly, the corpses you are thinking about, are they male or female? If they are men, then you might just be gay. To screw a gay man while not having to deal with all the hassles and drama associated with gay men might just be worth it in you twisted little mind.

Are they old? Could signify a want of a mother/father figure in your life.

Finally, when did they die? Are they fresh, like you’re a jogger running in the woods and you come across a recently deceased yet incredibly hot, (still warm) Salma Hayek-esque woman, and in your head you are thinking two things, “This woman would never have had sex with me in the real world,” and “Just how good are those CSI guys?” Now of course this is opposed to the old rotting corpse which would involve a crow bar and a gallon of lubricant.

So you ask me, if thinking about it makes you necrophiliac? [sic] and to this I say, “it’s the thought that counts.”

James

James,

What is the atomic weight of Ruthenium, and how can it help me get chicks?

Zach

Dear Zach,

Just tell her that sometimes you feel like Ruthenium and that you have been attacked by halogens, hydroxides and are ready to oxidize yourself explosively.

James

Dear Mr. Spillane,

Please tell my wife that she is nuts. It is almost completely impossible to communicate with her. For example: yesterday after a small argument over breakfast or, shall I say, what to eat for breakfast, things took a turn for the worse and soon pans were whizzing by my head. Later, in a futile attempt to ease things between us I purchased a dozen roses, which only seemed to create another argument over finances. What am I doing wrong?

Brian

Fuck Brian.

I love these sorts of questions… here a few things I believe you need to figure out in order to move toward a productive relationship with your crazy wife.

1. All women are nuts. There is nothing you can do about it; hell there is nothing I can do about it. Basically you have to suffer through the five stages of acceptance: denial, anger, bargaining, a sort of depression, and finally acceptance.
2. You say you have problems with communication; well frankly I have problems with all communication. Communication as a whole is not used correctly, instead or society uses it almost completely as a form a persuasion. Almost every thing that comes out of our little dental holes is our way of trying to bend the wills of others and force our wills upon them, whether it is a TV commercial trying to sell you a penis enhancer, a guilt trip, or you pleading your case as to why gays should be allowed to marry. Every time you open your mouth you are trying to make people see things your way, every time you wife opens her mouth she is trying to get you to see things her way. The only people right now in the planet earth who communicate effectively are the aborigines, and they don’t say much.

So knowing what you now know, here is a little advice:

1. You need to man it up… stop shopping at the Gap and wearing mesh trucker hats; drop the whole MTV look because that is you trying to be something you are not. You’re a man; do what you really want to do: get in your truck (if you don’t have a truck, buy one), drive to the liquor store and get yourself a handle of whiskey. Wear Levis and tee shirts. If it is cold out, wear a sweatshirt; jackets are for wankers. Finally, get yourself a can of chew and lock one in for the working man.
2. Get a real job. If you work behind a computer, you are wasting your life. Men weren’t meant to work in cubicles. You’ve seen the movie Fight Club. Unless you want to roll around with sweaty men and burn buildings, get a real job… look for something in construction, something where your hands get dirty.
3. Stop talking. Don’t say shit. Your wife will just love that, but more importantly she will begin the process of trying to understand you. You will become an enigma to her. She might threaten to leave you, but don’t worry about that. because now she will be curious. She’ll to know what is driving you and why it’s something other than her. Even better, she will be more attracted to you. It’is a matter of evolution, my dear friend. Women are a species who are attracted to men, real men. Just watch a pride of lions on the discovery channel.If you can figure out how it works in the animal kingdom, you should be able to figure out how it works with humans.

Go forth with Godspeed and become the man you always dreamed of, become SPARTACUS.

Dear James,

My boyfriend is overweight and has a small penis. Should I stay with him?

Amber Kiker

Dear Amber Kiker,

I am very glad that you asked this question because I am quite positive a large percentage of Johnny America readers are both overweight and lacking in penis size. First, let’s start by pointing out some very important facts that I think you should know.

* Chlamydia (pronounced: kluh-mid-ee-uh) is a sexually transmitted disease (STD) that is caused by bacteria called Chlamydia trachomatis, so seek medical assistance immediately and have a qualified Johnny America reader swab your vagina.

* The longest river in the world is the Nile. The second longest river in the world is Amazon.com.

* Lions have the largest Irises of any mammal, therefore, they can see better in the dark.

Taking these very important facts into consideration, I believe you should stay with your fat in the belly, small in the smelly boyfriend of yours. Also, I would like to add that, being your boyfriend, my advice is in bias and not always rational. Enjoy reading Johnny America. I hate your hair and I hope you die.

James Spillane

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