Unlikely Search Engine Queries That Led Visitors to this Web Site

• We feel sorry for the searcher lamenting, “why am i the last to know about the crime.” They’ve obviously settled into the role of passive participant, not realizing that a fully actualized human feels empowered to plan and commit as many crimes and misdemeanors as is necessary to rid themselves of the nagging worry of always being the last to know.
• From what we’ve heard, “james woods penis size” is approximately eight and three quarter inches long and six in girth. Please note that our sources are notoriously unreliable while drinking and a conversion from metric units was involved, and metric units always seems long.
• With a hypothetically eight and three quarter inch unit, actor James Woods would never “have to have fat sex” if he didn’t want to. But maybe he does, maybe he has? With such a gift, it seems like a moral imperative to share.
• “adult cartoons of cannibals eating womens legs” was a query we’ve never seen before, and a cartoon we hope never to glimpse.

• We’re curious whether the person searching for an “up the ass pencil sharpener” envisioned a sleek little electric model fitting the Sharper Image aesthetic, or had in mind something closer to the large, hand-cranked tanks so often found bolted to the walls of elementary schools. Where would you put the cord, we wondered in the case of the former, or how might you turn the crank, in the case of the latter.
• The answer to the query “who makes burger king’s chicken fries?” seems so obvious that we’re mildly surprised that Google’s algorithms weren’t clever enough to answer.
• “Do giraffes spit on you if you bother them?” asked one search query. Yes, they do—but giraffes are not easily bothered. They are very tall, and like all very tall animals—and tall human beings—they feel morally superior to smaller, lesser beasts.

• “giraffe cornering me in a dream”
• “he slapped her, yes sir, her ass”
• “getting a girl to like you using telepathy”
• “how to make chicken fingers that taste just like those from burger king”

• December’s top ten search queries revealed the world’s growing interest in hobosexuality. “Sex with hobos,” “hobos having sex,” “nude hobo,” “seduce a hobo,” and similar search strings dominated johnny america dot net’s web traffic logs. In this age of American Anxiety men visibly re-popularize the masculine idols of their childhoods - witness Chuck Norris’ role in the presidential campaign, the new Rambo movie, and the return of American Gladiators. The resurgence of bum and tramp fantasy represents womens’ corollary interest in the most popular male icon of decades past: the great American hobo.
• There were about a dozen requests related to “cattle drive songs.” Unfortunately, we have none to share. Wait, I’ll try to compose one: get along, big cow / yeah, yer movin’ now / get along, big steer / the slaugh-terhouse is near / move, yer’ bovine feet / the people, need their meet / get along, big cow / yeah, yer movin’ now.
• We wish to meet whoever asked Google for “derrida in my bed”—male, female, hobsexual, whatever—they sound like the kind of freak deconstructionist who crosses boundaries of a priori sexathis, knows the reference from the marks of the movement, then breaks furniture after recounting the trace. So very very attractive, that search query.
• We’re intruged by the question, “what does skiing mean in personal ads?” We don’t know ourselves, and couldn’t find that information in our own search queries. Maybe it’s code for “likes cocaine,” what with the implied love of “snow.” Or perhaps the person who placed the advertisements just likes to ski down mountains in high-tech outerwear and was hoping to meet someone with similar interests.
• Other favorite search strings: “kids getting stuck in claw machine,” “old lady legs,” “things and stuff,” “have you bought meat from a door to door salesman?”

• There’s nothing inherently intriguing about the search phrase “105.” One hundred and five isn’t a bad number—it’s the sum of the first five square pyramidal numbers, after all—but it’s nothing special. But we have to wonder why Yahoo! direct eighteen distinct individuals looking for more information about “105” in the month of August. Oh, the mystery.
• What’s impressive about the query “rebound signs sex -basketball” is the searcher’s complete lack of interest in detecting rebound signs on the basketball court, which can be surprisingly useful if you get challenged to a three-person pickup game and money’s on the line—the minus sign in front of “basketball” instructs the search engine to exclude sports-related results. This lonely heart is focused, perhaps obsessive, and we wonder if that’s not part of their problem.
• We like to picture the a frail but hyper-rational Germanic matron typing “opposite of penis” into the Google search box with the hope that it would would follow similar anatomical logic to hers and return the English term “vagina.” Instead it sent her to Eli S. Evan’ story “A Crumb in My Penis,” which is far better reading than say a lame Wikipedia entry about lady parts.
• The query “Emily Lawtonini” conjures an image of J.A. co-Editor Emily Lawton with her red hair switched to black and the switchblade in her purse transformed into a Venetian stiletto.
• “What would a metamorphosis be without a laughter?” one visitor asked. Like, “coughing up green phlegm with toenails,” we imagine—disgusting.

• “voluptuous hula hula girls”
• “herb for abrasions harmonica”
• “how to make a sarcophagus”
• “boston cream donut illustration”
• “badgers horribly mauling humans”
• “price of cafeteria food so costly”
• “if this train were any more crowded i d be standing in your pants”
• “saint patrick’s day dog costume”

• This month brought a pair of interesting instruction-seekers to J.A. dot net. One wondered, “how to make a sarcophagus?” which strikes us as odd since practically everyone learns how to do that in elementary school, after shoelace tying but before gateway drug use. Another seemingly ignorant searcher wanted instructions on, “how to make your girlfriend make out.” A sly look should suffice, and if she’s not receptive see if flowers or chile con queso won’t change her mind.
• We want to know more about, “the giraffe who thought he could dance,” especially if he’s the same beast who inspired the “giraffe toilet seat.” Few even-toed ungulate mammals dare to dance, fewer still use toilet paper.
• The phrasing is “deez nuts,” not “these nuts.” Nine people did not know better.

• Why 49 searchers—a full three percent of December’s Google traffic—found our site looking for the word “butt,” we do not know. Here at Johnny America Headquarters we like butts; we find them alluring and comforting like Campbell’s Tomato Soup and enjoy resting our heads on others’ butts while watching video rentals, eating popcorn dusted with salt and pepper, and sipping a 2003 California Red Zinfandel that’s an outstanding value at twelve dollars and goes surprisingly well with well-buttered corn. We wish there were more butts in the world.
• One November searcher came to us from Yahoo! looking for “chomsky halloween costume.” We’re really inspired by their advance planning. Halloween 2007 is still ten months away and they’re already researched exactly which fuzzy grandpa sweater will help them best impersonate the Chomskinator. Whoever you are, you are wonderful.
• We wonder about the query for, “sex picture of america.” Was the searcher expecting to find images of continental canoodling, with North America and it rather suggestive Floridian Peninsula somehow groping South America via rapid tectonic shifts? We hope there were hoping for something along those lines and not ho-hum skin pics.
• We felt whoever asked the question, “how zombies came to earth?” deserved an answer, so we asked J.A. Handyman Brandon Crain’s eight-year-old niece who was watching Animal Planet in the living room what her thoughts on zombie origins were. “God?” she questioned-speculated. Clearly she’s completely irrational.

• There were a number of searches related to Halloween costumes this month. “Nazi halloween outfits” [not recommended] was one of the more memorable, as was “pectoral costume” [highly recommended].
• Further, to the person who searched for the phrase “he should be a french maid for halloween,” we agree, and hope you succeed in convincing him. Please do send photos.
• Though this was obviously a typo, there’s something intriguing about the query “brother and sister insect fucked.” We’ve heard it said that there’s a website for every fetish, but feel that invertebrate porn is, so far, an untapped market. For the record, backdoormantis.com is still available.
• The person who searched for “menu for polish thanksgiving meal” should perhaps remember that there weren’t any Jankowskis on the Mayflower, and that Polish food is bland and uninspiring.
• If you were the one looking for “johnny america sex,” thank you, we are very flattered.
• New York can be a cold, heartless city, so we heartily commend the person who submitted “buy sea monkeys kits new york city” to a search engine. Hopefully your new friends will help keep the loneliness at bay.
• And, as winter approaches, we remind our readers to be careful around ice and spilled drinks, so as to avoid desperate searches like “they tripped her and her skirt” and the concisely eloquent “shoes no traction slipped fell.”

• What we wonder about the person who searched for, “in my ass massage asian,” is whether their interest is in receiving vigorous anal Shiatsu or performing a massage on an Asian, using their ass as both the location and method of massage delivery. Imagine such an ass.
• Someone wrote, “what do women say is a small penis,” so we asked the people drinking Cab-Sav in the living room. Emily said, “three inches in tiny, but four is pretty small too.” Brandon said, “if I had a four inch dick I’d cut it off, ‘cause what’s the point.” Brandon’s position may seem extreme, but it’s not without merit.
• According to our reports, about dozen people searched for variations on, “christian books about dieting.” Do Christians have different caloric requirements than Muslims and Jews, we wondered. Maybe if you’re blessed with stigmata and oozing the sanguine you use up a few extra kilojoules, but just praying to the big face in the sky can’t take too much energy.
• It seems strange that someone looking for, “picture of girl piercing in her girl part,” wouldn’t be more explicit, unless they didn’t know the proper name for the “girl part” they had in mind.
• A “fox fur fetish,” sounds vaguely erotic; something we’ll look in to. Also: good name for a gothabilly band, perhaps.

By the scorecard, June was our best month ever—we hosted over 9000 “unique visitors.” Still, of the 1388 distinct search engine search strings used to navigate her from across the wild world web, 1386 were uninspired.

• “my heart bled like never before” brings to mind an interesting image. Picture a mousy-haired gamine breaking the news to her brooding Goth beau that she can no longer tolerate his vampyre ways. As she walks out of his mother’s basement his heart erupts like Vesuvius.
• “corn on the cobbed grilled” is misspelled, of course, but it still sounds delicious. According to etiquette, the polite diner is supposed to butter only a few rows of corn at a time—nibbling, buttering, nibbling, buttering. The modern lady ignores this outmoded convention.

Loyal “How You Might’ve Found” readers: hello and thank you for your patience. April skated by without our noticing. Do you know the feeling of a day displaced? Say you feel Saturday, your marrow tells you so. You go about glad and with a skip in your step, to the Bergen Bagel or the park for kite-flying, then late in the day you remember you forgot and whoops, it’s Sunday and you have to work tomorrow but the laundry’s not done and there are errands to run. April was a month displaced.

• As usual, the pornographic topped our query-list. We won’t bore you with the teen slut searches, but “asian man humping objects while peanut butter jelly time plays” and “her hairy pussy persian -carpet -rug -carpets -rugs -gay -bestiality” were fascinatingly specific.
• Our sympathies stretch across the Internet like tendrils for the person who asks Google, “how to get my kitten to sleep at night instead of daytime.” NyQuil works on children, if I recall my youth accurately, and as a amateur biologist I’ll wager the cure works on mammals of every dimension.
• We wonder what the brain behind the search “pics of insects found in human shit” had in mind. Did they suspect colonies of spiders and rolly pollies hanging out in their rectums, catching the brown bus for a holiday to see the sea, or were they looking for snapshots of the creepies that crawled in, post facto? The first option’s charming, the last a bit perverse.
• The search string “shag my sister” was pleasing if boring to see, like all things British.
• Both “world of toyota corollas since 1982” and “dread and anxiety heidegger blows” induced smiles, though “please remove my nonsensical asian tattoo” is possibly the best phrase we’ve ever seen in the server logs. In six words it implies a story of youthful trend-tracking followed by adult redemption.

• Before we knew Susan’s name was Susan, we dubbed her Belly Girl. Her walk wasn’t particularly serene, nor her face striking, but her tiny paunch must’ve tapered at the Golden Ratio, like a conch shell, because her belly was hypnotic. Her belly exploded beautiful all over her body like a shotgun blast. We like to think the person searching for “experimental belly girls” has seen Susan, that they called her Belly Girl before hearing her name, if they’ve learned it at all, and wondered whether there were other girls like her, perhaps with bio-mechanical augmentations to their belly that make them even more entrancing. It’s hard to imagine.

Our top searches by subject, expressed as percentages:

• Of or relating to German cannibal Armin Meiwes or cannibalism in general: 22%
• Brother-sister incest: methods for inducing, regrets relating to, pictures of: 15%
• Hobosexuals/Hobosexuality: definition of and photo-documentation depicting: 11%
• Telekinetic powers, methods for obtaining, questions regarding the reality of: 6%
• Dancing techniques: “The Sprinkler,” “The Lawn Mower”: 5%
• Of or relating to Johnny America or authors featured by: 4%
• Dennis the menace, in general and as he relates to neighbor Mr. Wilson: 3%
• Fried chicken, and Burger King “Chicken Fries,” reviews of: 2%
• Various anatomicals “muscular”: legs (women’s), abdominal muscles (whoever’s!): 2%
• Other: 30%

• “tyler and david are jerks”
• “drinking at work”
• “ligament in your mouth”
• “acromegaly fetish”
• “funny sayings relating to chipmunk”
• “did you even look for a job today?”

• What’s fascinating about the search for “impregnate every woman” is the limitless ambition it suggests the searcher must possess.
• “Where can i find out how to print questions on unicorns” is a puzzler. Maybe HP DeskJets get all uppity and refuse to print unicorn-related material. Perhaps she’s looking for a list like:
  • How long is your horn?
  • Do you dream about shy girls with auburn hair, because I dream about you?!

  Either way, it’s an extraordinary question.

• Search engines are smart these days, so you can filter out pages containing subjects you’d rather ignore or demand inclusion of a essential secondary element, e.g “hot sex -husband +handsome black man.” Someone thinks about ex-SNL comedian Jimmy Fallon far too much: “jimmy fallon -idiot -boyfriend -pessimist s -guide -tina -fey -saturday -night -live -snl -drew -barrymore -scheme -taxi -fever -pitch -perfect -catch -bathroom -wall -mtv -awards -queen -latifa -lyrics -tabs -tab -quotes.” We swear, that’s exactly the query that let them to us.
• “Take your street department to the next level” is intriguing because, while seemingly not gibberish, we have no idea what it means.
• Q (asked to Google): “How far does a basketball go?” A: If it’s in Stephanie Wakefield’s hands, pretty far—miles, even—but no where near the hoop. Never. The girl’s got heart, sure, but she’s only 5’2” (an a half, she says). Her defense might be strong and all, and yeah she’s got that crazy outfit she wears on the court that’s kind of distracting, but come on, she’s 5’2” (an a half), and there’s just no way she’s gonna make that free-throw ‘cause the pressure’s on and look again how short she is and just acknowledge she’ll never ever be able to dunk.

We offer no commentary on October’s results—the following speak for themselves:

• “goth guam -guadalupe -guadeloupe -guatemala”
• “saliva pillowcase bleach”
• “mens underwear anti chaffing”
• “submission mongoose fiction”
• “how to get your boyfriend to deal with his smelly penis”
• “are you in love when on the rebound”
• “man searching for woman with muscular legs”
• “animated photos of man flexing biceps”

• “johnny likes skinny girls” tells us a lot about Johnny, but leaves us wanting for a more complete biography. Does Johnny dislike chunky lasses? Who is he, exactly? Is his hair soft like fox fur?
• Yahoo! sends us so many queries for bestiality pics that it sometimes makes us feel dirty, but “dog cock wife” has such urgency, such directness, that we hope this searcher found the images he was looking for.
• When you find yourself typing “when your boyfriend stops all communication with you” into the Google search box, it’s time to acknowledge that it’s over. If this makes you blue and you need a shoulder to cry on, send us an e-mail and we’ll direct a Johnny America intern to your house with a bottle of wine.
• “where the fuck is lead found?” manages to show scientific curiosity and base vulgarity simultaneously. So few sentences pull it off—it’s refreshing.
• “i want to fuck my sister in a boat”; is an odd statement to “ask” a search engine on the Internet. What if you typed Suessian poems into the Alta-Vista search box instead? Think how great this would’ve been: I fucked my sister in a boat / I fucked her near a murky moat / I fucked my sister with a goat / the three of us built a zygote.
• “when did girls become stronger and more muscular than boys” is an odd one. Has this really happened? Looking around the bar I’m sitting in, it’s all flappy necks and pendular breasts on the ladies—the boys are all beefcake, wearing Speedos and flexing their well-oiled muscles. Obviously, they’re hanging out in the wrong locales.

• “drunk sexy mom doing sex with her son friend try 2 fuck me with pix” is such a poorly-formed phrase that we can barely summon the energy to guess at its meaning. Ok, so there’s a randy mother dancing the in-out with her sons pal—that part of the image we can decipher—but then are those two, while screwing, somehow trying to “fuck” the searcher with dirty pictures? Do they roll up Polaroids, jam them in their computer’s disk drive, then blast them through the Internet and into his anus? Is that what this search query requests?
• “hairy abs hairy thighs” is a truism if we ever heard one, though we have less faith in the assertion that “mike is an asshole.” Maybe one Mike is an asshole, perhaps a dozen, but surely this isn’t Universal.
• “massage asia hanky,” “hideous cake,” and “thunderbird burritos” intrigue with almost-guessable questions and half-formed images.
• “pic of people on guam doing tricks on bikes” is such a delightful request that we wish we could grant it, but unfortunately we’re just a lit zine with nary a BMX in sight.
• It seems whoever sought “feces odor interpretation dream” had a dream where shit stank, and now they’re attempting to tease out meaning. They should realize that feces smells day and night, sleep or wake, and that they are far too introspective.
• Dear requester of “mini skirt and wide hips or big hips or thick legs or chunky legs or thick thighs advice fashion style”: take this sound counsel: stay away from mini skirts—they are for the thin. Sure, skinny girls get to wear all the best clothes, but take comfort in knowing you won’t shiver so much as them during the nuclear winter.
• We wonder, do requested get any more upbeat than: “pictures of people / cartoons skateboarding on rainbows?”

In order for the search oracles to grant your wishes, you must type your request very carefully; otherwise, you’re likely to be dumped at johnnyamerica.net instead of tomkat.com, which is where you really want to be.

• your mama is os fat
• jennifer lopez fzking ben affleck
• shielding door
• pictures of piercings that have gotten infected
• were to find answers to grammatical questions online
• johnny deep addresses
• slut wife fucked my beast friend

Why fifty-seven individuals sought “roasted mummified chickens,” we cannot be sure. We thank Yahoo! for sending them our way, and hope they become regular readers.

• “naked girls on motorbikes” was also a common search for June (sixteen searches). We wonder about chaffing issues. Are bruised thighs integral to their appeal?
• How lazy must a man be to search the Internet for “‘old sexy broads”They are everywhere! Head to your local cafeteria or yarn outlet and you will not be disappointed.
• Whoever asked Google to find “dungeon dragons character awesome”’ is surely a nerd, worthy of milk-money theft, but at least their query is enthusiastic. “unable to stay awake after eating,” by contrast, sounds defeatist.
• “my wife puts makeup on me” sparks curiosity because the phrasing doesn’t betray the motive for this eyeliner-laden husband’s query. Does he want advice on calling her painting to a halt? Does he think her makeovers make him like a whore? Is he longing for a more natural look?
• “running retard,” “necrophiliac std,” and “marionette thunderbird” all sound like snippets of contrivedly “edgy” poetry.
• “show me pictures of mexican breakfast burritos” is a demand we wish we could obey, but who can bother with a camera when there are delicious eggs and chunks of spicy sausages wrapped in a golden grilled tortilla shell?

For unknown reasons, donut-related queries were rampant. Pictures and prices seemed to be of greater concern than brand cache:

• “picture of long john donut”
• “sugar glazed donuts pictures” (two variations)
• “glazed chocolate donut photos”
• “boston creme donut” (three searches)
• “price of one glazed krispy kreme donut”
• “how much does a sprinkled donut cost”
• “cost of munchkins dunkin donuts”

We suggest to these would-be olicook oglers that a simple trip to their local bakery will both satisfy pricing inquiries and provide photographic subjects.

• “please fuck my sister” is an odd plea to make to a web page—but okay, we give in, so long as she promises to let us play “scary music and spooky sounds tracks” while we make the two-backed beast. Also, she shouldn’t mind a “dale earnhardt jr kfc bucket” filled with “pink gumdrops candy” resting on her belly pre-, post-, and mid-coitus. Ideally, in fact, that should really “rev her engine.” She is the “hot college girl with belly button ring” that so many of May’s visitors were hunting, right, the one who “gets drunk and has anal sex?” We hope she wears “hussy bicycle clothing,” before we rip it off. She better not be the “sister humping the dog” we read about in our log files, ‘cause that shit is sick.
• “nose with lead pencil stabbing” is wonderful because you reflexively imagine a back-story for the query. “kkk with nunchucks” and “bite an apple through a picket fence” are similarly image-evocative.
• “a preacher and dinner manners” is something we’re all looking for; let us know if you find one.
• As usual, about a dozen queries for “cool band name” led visitors our way. If you’re on the world wide web hunting a name because your drummer’s that uncreative, please do us a favor and name yourself something like “musty scent,” so we’ll know not to grace the Replay Lounge.

April brought visitors looking for a total of 1069 distinct phrases, almost all of which were prurient queries relating to incestuous antics or human-canine cavorting. We list the most amusing below, ordered from most homosexual to least.

• “gay cannibals eating fat boys stories”
• “you might just be gay”
• “how to tell if someone is gay by looking at their rings”
• “mens sexy underwear web pages”
• “what to ask your boyfriend trying to understand him”
• “i smelled moms hairy armpits”
• “how tall is ashlee simpson?”
• “answers to accusations for moon”

March brought us visitors from around the globe hunting for a medley of curious items and fascinating data.

• “fucked jimmy fallon”: Everybody’s doing it, or so we hear, but surprisingly only three individuals hunting for that phrase made their way to our site.
• A second S.N.L.-related query had us wondering who’s the fool looking for web pages about “tina fey jimmy fallon love”? Do people really think that brunette sarcast-o-bot is capable of human emotion?
• “humorous boat names” is an interesting list to be seeking. Sadly we have none of those here at Johnny America H.Q. We take our boats seriously.
• “how she took dog cock” is indeed question for the ages, and we wish we could provide an answer. Was it sweet and tender beagle love? Was it raunchy action with forbidden fruit that is the Lhasa Apso?
• J.A. Regular Kyle Sundby’s name sent twenty visitors our way thanks to a story of his gracing McSweeney’s. Congratulations, Kyle, and please keep getting more famous—we like getting your second-hand web traffic.
• The phrase “john travolta gay please tell me if truth to that” reminds J.A. Writer Jonathan Holley of the time his mother refused to let him in on the fiction that is Santa Claus. “Is he real, Mom, you can tell me,” he demanded every day for a week. She just bit her lip and asked, “why do you want to know?” Here is the truth: John Travolta is the gayest man on earth. He is likely having homo sex right this very second. Ignore the fact that he is married to a woman with beautiful smile, hard-nosed attitude, unbelievable sex appeal, and gargantuan rack: John Travolta is gay. He just keeps the pretty wife around for publicity photos and for videotaping all the sodomy.
• Two individuals found our site by looking for “women who look like aunt jemima.”
• “breakfast menu and burrito and progressive” got our minds racing. A “progressive”breakfast burritos? Think of the possibilities! Whether the searcher was looking for a quick commie breakfast or a free-range treat we’re not positive, but either sounds dandy to us. As do “tiny girls who fuck bottles,” “cows dressed up like buffaloes,” and “mildly amusing videos nunchucks.” Animal impersonations are always a gas and it’s invariably a worry that a nunchuck video will be bit too hilarious, so we like to stick with the “mildly amusing” variety too.

• “johnny cupcake” is a search string that piques our curiosity, unlike “funny cow saying,” which seems unique but lame.
• We wonder whether whoever searched for “bugs bunny porn” is hunting for animated action because they’re into bunny rabbits, or because their bag is sexy cartoons.
• Could whoever searched for “how to make 3d goth people” be working on a Toy-Story style erotic epic combining Warner Brothers characters and the Dark Lord’s children? We can think of at least one fellow who might be interested.
• We hope there’s not a true story behind “12 year old kill sister over hamburger.” No hamburger is that good.
• “my sister loves dog cock” is a novel in five words. You don’t need pages and pages of exposition; your mind fills in the back story automatically—a Midwestern trailer park, an alcoholic father, a frisky beagle, and an angst-ridden little brother with a bad tattoo who knows too much for his own good.
• “pine sol drunk” doesn’t sound nearly as appealing as “girls that show it all.” They all show it all, after two drinks and three complements, unless you give them Pine Sol. Pour a lass with decent taste a jigger of Pine Sol and she’ll throw it in your Commie eyes.

• Several searchers found us seeking info on the mesmerizing Jackson family. Three asked the oracle that is Google, “where is michael jackson in america.” one hunted for “michael jackson skiing,” and a third scholar found us through the phrase “janet jackson looks stronger than men.” Yes, she does—and just daydreaming about her muscular thighs and potent abs gives us shivers.
• An even thousand searchers found us looking for “suicide girls,” which isn’t entirely surprising given the males of our species’ near universal interest in slutty-looking punk rock girls.
• What continues to baffle us is why so many query for “mole in the middle of her forehead.” 762 web surfers found us through that search string. Whose forehead? Is the mole in question a congenital blemish, a insectivorous mammal, or a disgusting sauce of Mexican origin? What is so intriguing about this woman and her mole?
• “sensual stroll along the beach the sunset reflected in our eyes as we hold hands and enjoy the tide” is the longest phrase to ever lead a visitor to our little web page, and the most specific.
• When a search string has a minus sign in it, it indicates that the word following is to be excluded; a person might search for “johnny america -gay,” for example, if one was interested in our site, and not the obscure homosexual actor who shares the same name. That’s why “brother fucking sister -gay” is such an odd query. Are there any web sites that show men fucking their sisters in “gay” ways? Isn’t brother on sister action inherently straight? Is there a proliferation of films showing queens wearing berets humping their XX-chromosomed kin while looking longingly across the room at some dude’s schlong, while simultaneously singing Pharaoh’s Song from Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, or whatever? That would be amazing.
• “buzz le boom” is an awesome string. If our regular writers ever form a band, “Buzz le Boom” is going to be on the short list of names.
• We liked the sound “exploding sentences” a lot. We’ve talked to our web guy about getting a few for johnnyamerica dot net, and he said he’d try to get them going “real soon.”
• We hope the thirteen-year-old boy who thought a search engine might know, “where the fuck are my nunchucks,” did not find the answer to his question. We wish the opposite for the individuals who searched for: “do mice climb on beds?” (yes, they do, and it is frightening), “public urination techniques” (there are so many inspired tactics!), “what to do if your stupid and can t deal with it” (start a zine or web site or both, silly), and “number of men i ve slept with” (it is probably more than you’d like, if you think the Internet holds that data).

• The query “should employees eat at their desks at work?” betrays the searcher’s weak and image-obsessed personality. Is your stomach grumbling? Assuming you’re not such a beast that the sight of you eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich will disgust your co-workers, by all means have a nibble.
• “glasses frames anti theft guess,” confused us. What could this query mean?
• “commie travolta,” on the other hand, makes more sense. We’ve always suspected his sexy dancing was a rouse. His role as “James Ubriacco” in the Look Who’s Talking movies is so obviously a red critique of Western consumerism it’s almost insulting.
• Ask yourself, searchers for “bukkake sites for one dollar”: what quality porn do you think you’ll find for a buck? That’s what a bottle of Pepsi costs. Are you searching out of frugality or morbid curiosity?
• We like to imagine it was a twelve year old prep school boy listening to the droll instructions of his school’s assistant librarian who repeatedly searched for “suck my nuts old lady.”
• “sexually transmitted disease wild turkey,” like “how to make a cricket costume,” is a fascinating query. In the case of the first, was the turkey in question a herpes-laden bottle of booze slipped into shadowy spaces, or the kooky gobbler we know and devour? In the second, was the searcher hunting patterns for a man-sized costume, or did he wish to play dress up with a chirping pet insect?
• One of our regular contributors adores girls with “thick legs short skirts.” If that was you wasting time surfing the net looking for skin pics, and you know who you are, please get back to work on the elaborate contribution you’ve promised for Johnny America Issue Three.
• “huge flexed biceps on strong men,” “girls that show it all,” “hello kitty smoking device,” and “is he a hipster?” slightly amused us, while “how to tell if someone is a goth” made us sad. Is this person worried whether their secret crush’s “Type O Negative” t-shirt hints at vampyrism? Is this a concerned mother wondering about the pentagram on her son’s skateboard. You’re right to be concerned, Internet searcher—a goth life is a wasted life. Luckily, all you need to do is submit the object of your concern’s picture to the web site GothOrNot.com, pray, pray, pray, they’re not, and wait for your answer.

• “will you fuck my sister?” is an interesting query. What kind of person expects a Search Engine to answer? Does Hotbot.com sometimes “get it on” with frisky lasses? It’s a web application, not a sex robot.
• Equally foolish is the fellow who wondered “who fucked my sister.” Is the Internet really going to have the answer?
• “erect guys in home depot” surprised us, so we Googled it ourselves. johnnyamerica dot net turns up on page three. Someone searched for “erect guys in home depot” and followed the first twenty-eight links. Staggering.
• “who inspired john travolta to dance?” is a question we’ve wondered about ourselves, as well as “where are pictures of hot girls cuddling?” We’ve been looking for those pictures too, but all we can find on the Internet is much more, shall we say “hardcore.” It’s perfectly normal to wonder about Travolta’s muse and desire photos of friendly cuddling, but the web doesn’t have the solution.
• Is a homosexual’s heart attack different from a straight’s corresponding coronary catastrophe? Do rainbows shoot out of queer peoples’ eyes when they die? Maybe that’s what the person searching for “fat gay cardiac arrest” was hoping to find. It’s sweet to think so, anyway. Sadly, death is never fabulous.
• “women are stronger than men,” is a refreshingly bold statement, whereas “pictures of people with dirty sayings of their shirt” speaks of juvenile interests.
• Whoever was searching for “one drink not productive in afternoon” is clearly delusional (one drink is productive, two more so), so we hope they don’t become regulars on our site. The person who was looking for “oh no! jacques derrida dies,” on the other hand, we invite to be our new Internet pal.

An incomplete statistical record of the keyphrases searched for on Google, in the month of October, that led visitors to Johnny America:

• 3% (78 searches):”fucking my sister”
• 2.3% (62): “I fucked my sister”
• 1.8% (47): “hobosexual”
• 1.5% (41 searches): “I fuck my sister”
• 1.1%: “spooky sound effects”
• 0.5% (15 searches) “fucked my sister”
• 0.4%: “I want to fuck my sister”
• 0.3% (8 searches): “monica bellucci fucking”
• 0.2% (6): “the truth about death”
• 0.2% (6): “brother fucking sister”;
• 0.1% (5): “i fucked my sister stories,” “muscular female legs,” “my sister the slut,” “i fucked my father,” “dad fuck my sister”
• 0.1%: “pigeon love” (2), “hobo sex” (3), “old bitches” (2), “max the goldfish” (3), “web page playing g-unit stunt 101” (2), “asian guy and james bond and hat and odd job” (1), “ben affleck hair” (1), “corpulent boxer” (1), “www.skaterboys.com” (1), “my mini skirt was always too short” (1), “lyrics i cant get behind that william shatner” (1)

September was a spectacular month.

• After Emily posted a definition, it’s no surprise Google started sending us traffic for “hobosexual” but that we are now the number two authority on the web—is surprising and delightful.
• There’s something honest and direct about two-word queries—minimal adjectives, simple language—the searcher knows what they want and how to succinctly express it. “old bitches,” “guam punk,” “sexy broads,” “fuck infant”: can searches get any better?

Yes! They can!

• We want to meet the “dog [who] ate 10 chicken drumsticks.”
• We wish to correct the grammar and chastise whoever was looking for “naked childrens” and slap the man who thinks “bmg music service is too good.” It is not, sir.
• Emily has a word or two for whoever claimed “jimmy fallon fucked me.” That’s her fiancé you’re talking about, hussy.
• Do you really “feel guilty for public urination,” we wonder? If you’re so fucking guilty you’d quit pissing on people’s bicycles, you filth-pig scumbag.
• “i m so fetching angry,” “she arched her little ass,” “pictures of people cuddling on couch,” and “she was gigantic -sex,” are all worth saluting, but they’re banal compared to “poems about idiots” or “mom rubbed my thing.”
• We’re mildly impressed with the individuals who searched for “widow ladies club suck stories” and “dodgeball fat girl no panties,” but are absolutely in awe of the seekers of, “posh names for chicken,” “public embarrassment device,” and “not again! the hiccups.”

Other notables:

• “stories sensual stroll along the beach the sunset reflected in our eyes as we hold hands and enjoy the tide”
• “dunkin donuts and sour cream donut”
• “i m so into black guys cute”
• “hot naked girls washing hot motor bikes”

• A full 16.1 percent of August’s visitors found our site through our Review of the Suicide Girls Burlesque Show—our most Google-weighted story since Armin Meiwes, the German Cannibal. The wholesome Aunt Jemima, by comparison, attracted only 0.4 percent of visitors referred by search engines. Truly, she isn’t as cute as a troupe of indie girls prancing a stage in their underwear, but she has heart.
• Two visitors found us searching for “dale earnhardt collectible kfc bucket.”
• Did the individual hunting for “robin airplanes” have hijacking in mind, we wonder, or is “robin airplanes” an obscure musician? Both alternatives are interesting.
• We wish we knew what the “cow and buffalo funny saying” was—we adore cows, like buffaloes more than average, and love funny sayings.
• Whoever looked for “monica bellucci fucking” needs to restrain themselves. Search for “rachel leight cook going down,” “mother theresa gangbang,” but leave Bellucci out of it. She’s so fetching, our one modern actress with classic film looks, that her name should not be soiled.
• Why anyone would look for “joke about a man in a short sleeve shirt”is beyond our reckoning. There are far more-interesting searches to be had: “mouse eating cheese,” “hanky panky telephone wind ups,” “transexual dating aberdeen,” and “raising chickens for slaughter” to name a few. Wasting your days searching for jokes about short sleeves seems pointless when you consider the possibilities.

• We had 932 visitors seeking “armin meiwes,” the famous German cannibal. Google, inexplicably, ranks J.A. a better source than CNN on this tasty topic.
• Seven people found us through the query “i fucked my sister,” nineteen “fucking my sister,” twelve were looking for “i fuck my sister,” three searched for “i want my sister in bed,” and two for “my sister is hot.” There were dozens of variants. “my brother and i fucked my sister” was one of the more disturbing, “my sister my slut” the most lyrical, and “i fuck my sister help” the only query that pointed toward a searcher looking to end their strange love interest. Boys and girls, johnnyamerica dot net declares incest Bad News. One fellow found our site by searching for “pictures of the perfect girls to cuddle”—now that’s a man who loves things Sweet and Healthy and Legal.
• Why “nigga pweeze” turned up J.A. is a mystery. Pweeze!?
• The search “holley wood nude stars”disappoints on many levels.
• “i fucked my sister and she fucking loved it,” while part of the rather disturbing trend, showed a refreshing confidence that many modern (“sensitive”) men lack.
• We’re not sure what “mummified toes drinking club” is, but we want to go.
• We love “hot bitches on mini bikes” too, and hope whoever was looking found.
• Sadly, J.A. holds no “pigeon love poems,” but we strongly encourage submissions.
• The query “get the shirt like audioslave has on the show me how to live music video,” while lengthy, makes no sense to our feeble little brains.
• Someone found this site my looking for “seth coulter is a handsome man.” We suspect it was Seth, or his wife.

• “why do people hate pigeons”
• “my sister looked at my crotch”
• “my father had a huge hardon”
• “my dog kills chickens”
• “crazy lips;movies”

• “story about elevator that takes people back in time”
• “hello kitty torrent”
• “south pacific hula girls”
• “future retro menu burger”
• “leona’s hair”
• “wandering magician from place to place”
• “patriotic fridays”
• “pissing off iranians”
• “about goldfish”
• “voluptuous”
• “belly rings for guys”
• “what is a long john donut”

• “story about elevator that takes people back in time”
• “hello kitty torrent”
• “john travolta vampire”
• “fragola gay dance shoe”
• “south pacific naked girls”
• “beep beep hot stuff”

• “mayonnaise in her * -cheeseburger -lice -burger -poem -book”
• “my sister my nurse”
• “is assasination good”
• “pigeons, hate”
• “alternatives to happy birthday song”
• “the kkk is a big problem towards america and they will not go away as long as there is hate and”
• “how do you play sick or hooky from school?”
• “my sisters hot korean friend”
• “watching the airplanes”

• “janet jackson boob shot”
• “literary archaeologist”
• “odor human feces”
• “my sister in the bathroom”
• “armin meiwes recipes”
• “assasination +JFG 2BAmerica”
• “hooky Hide-a-Cock”

• “a page of a page of unfinished sentences”
• “urination watersports +Calvin”
• “my sister is stronger than me”
• “miami vice tactics tricks”
• “who made up skittles the candy”
• “fucking friends little sister”
• “what is ascending order”
• “sister’s smelly pussy”
• “margarine design packaging”

• “bag she black goth”
• “yellow stream”
• “suckassho”
• “524bd12b32dcabb10315a52e099d4077 (yes, really)”

• “electric motor fuck machines”
• “DEVICE URINATION TRAVEL”
• “Hey love just got back from swimming”
• “girl wearing a dog collar”
• “short goth hair ideas”
• “Lord of the cockrings”